If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
