oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
