Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
