Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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