you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
