someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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