im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
