im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
