how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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