i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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