I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
