I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
