I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
