there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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