But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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