I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
