Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
