Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
