70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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