The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
