If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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