I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
