He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
