turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
