I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
In America we eat man semen.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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