I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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