I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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