I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
