took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
