He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
