We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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