saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
