I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
