woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
