My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
