I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
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i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
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Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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