Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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