I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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