I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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