My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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