So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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