Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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