Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
