I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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