...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
