need another drink. this is the easiest way
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
