So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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