im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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