I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
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Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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