there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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