"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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