first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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