I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
